Summary of what has been up and down:

1) The assistants and myself have been getting into “Twin Peaks”.  I have already seen the second season, but others have not.  We are currently on the search for the second season that comes equipped with French subtitles and for which we do not have to pay money for!

2) Made Thanksgiving dinner for our friends.  I sewed up that turkey and stuffed it.  I was a bad vegetarian and I had some turkey.  I made the big mistake of naming it Henrietta while singing about the turkey.  Whoops!  I did win the bigger half of the wishbone!

Now that I figured out a way to get pictures off of my camera, I feel a littel bit better about posting so no worries, there will be some hopefully good/jolly posts that are not about my life.  I can send that information in emails and letters yo!

More to come!

I always get a real kick when after I tell someone my parents are Pakistani, they start to ask me if I have seen “Slumdog Millionaire” or “Persepolis”.  Neither of which have anything to do with me.  It’s like that time in French class when my teacher told another student to ask me how to make couscous.  Up until that point in time, I had no idea that couscous even existed.

Costume preparation

All the crayons and our drawing! (left to right) Frauke, Allison, Ramon, Rachael and (upfront) Carlos.

Kicking out the white crayon

Banished

Side A by Allison. Carlos is saying to the unicorn that you are my magical beast. The unicorn responds lovingly with "i love you".

Side B by yours truly. Giant bear and pink unicorn hanging out by the goldfish pond.

So, when we arrived at the pub, they were passing out these Halloween quizzes.  Most of them were pretty easy questions like “when is Halloween celebrated?” and “What is the day after Halloween called?”.  The other questions, I wasn’t so sure about.  If there is anything that I took away from the 6th grade, it was to never leave a blank answer.  Who knows maybe you will get credit for creativity? Having that in mind, I answered questions like “What is another name for a werewolf?” and “who started the tradition of dressing up in costumes?” with “Professor Lupin” and “David Bowie”.  I might have put other things in there like “laughing so hard that you have an accident” and something about Casper the friendly ghost.   The moment of truth came later on in the evening and well!  We won!  Wearing my onesie longjohn the entire evening paid off.  Success.

Quiz win! Allison & Cécile.

Costume win!

Let’s break it down:

- In both prison and France, we are entitled to the basic necessities such as food, water, and toilet facilities.  However, internet, television, radio, movies, “extra” special food like Nutella are considered luxuries or privileges.  I don’t even have a good kitchen knife.  I almost lost my cool when trying to cook yellow squash last week.

- Limited access to outdoor/indoor exercise facilities as well as the library.  I am only allowed to take a certain number of cds and books, each time I hope that the librarian doesn’t make me pick and choose, but alas I usually stand at the counter weighing my options.

- Assistants and prisoners always talk about “when I go back home, I plan on bla bla bla”.

- We are allowed outside visitors, such as friends and family, however the time is very limited.  Let’s not forget the limited phone time.

- The most important similarity that is essential for survival is to make friends on the inside.

I’ve also noticed that sometimes French people talk to me like I am mentally retarded or deaf.  They speak very slowly, which is good for comprehension, but then they speak very, very loudly.  My roommate, Cécile, has been doing this so much that when she hangs out with her French friends they look at her like there is something the matter.  This prompted me to come up with a joke:  “How do you know when a French person has just spoken with an American? They are talking very slowly and loudly.”  Wah waaaaah!

Things in France are swell!  Sophie and I have hatched out a plan to invite language assistants who hail from other exotic countries over so we can get a delicious meal! The only people not allowed over are English.  I won’t go into details, but she looked like she would hurl chunks if she had to eat an English meal.  Unfortunately, Sophie is back home so she missed out on a Spanish and Mexican meal and tonight she will miss out on a Chinese cuisine.  Tant pis! However, all of those people have agreed to cook again when she returns.

I also embraced some French stereotypes, such as the one displayed in the picture below.

It didn’t last long! I did take some plan of action and decided to get rid of my lucious patches of hair.  I had to after I almost gave a friend a heartattack during a Skype date.  Also, I kept scaring myself when I would look in the mirror, change clothes or shower.  I would look down, jump, and say “what the…oh hey you.”  It was time.  I have a feeling I’ll be seeing those guys again soon, but not too soon.

1) Open up a French bank account.  Thankfully, my bank lady, Stéphanie was more than helpful!  It was pretty simple.

2) Fill out housing application.  Usually when I hear a French person talk, I don’t catch it the first time around so I ask again and if they could speak a bit slower.  So, they repeat themselves and they still haven’t slowed down.  So then I give up and say “okay!”.  I had to go back to the housing office three times because the first two I didn’t understand and the third I needed some account information from my bank.

3) Library.  Hey!  I’m pretty excited about this!

4) School paperwork and figuring out my teaching schedule.

5) Got a French phone number!

After I had completed all of the above, I gave myself a high-five!  I felt like I was on top of the world.  I was singing Puff Daddy’s “Can’t Hold Me Down”.  Unfortunately, my small victories usually don’t last very long.  For instance at the bank, I had to go pick up my ATM card and they were asking for some paperwork.  I had forgotten it at home so I went back the next day.  They said it wasn’t the right forms and so I started to get nervous.  Even the tellers were getting nervous because we didn’t know how to communicate with one another.  They tracked down Stéphanie, who thankfully took care of everything.  Duan was not kidding when she said that I would have to start all over.

My classes are good! Basically, I just go into class with a bunch of activities that will get the students to converse in English.  It’s pretty entertaining and I think they have a good time.  There are a few classes where I just think someone needs to make it end quickly. There is of course a lot of misunderstandings and lack of communication between the staff and myself at times.  For instance, I found out the day before that I had to be in another town for my assistant orientation. I also found out that there is a week A and a week B.

So, I went to this assistant orientation in Vannes and I found out there are many other assistants here in Lorient.  They are from Columbia, Mexico, Italy, Spain, Germany England, Scotland, America, Canada, etc.

Here is a group of American assistants and myself:

As soon as I saw this picture, I laughed out loud.  It reminded me of how miserable I looked on my first day at pre-school.  Was I miserable in this picture?  A bit!  I had missed my morning train and then when I arrived in Vannes, I walked all over the city looking for the school.  I have never sweated so much in my life.

So, one of the assistants teaches in Port-Louis.  A small town that is a boat ride away!   When I heard boat, I said sign me up! Some of the assistants and myself spent a few hours there.  Here are some pictures I swiped:

Waiting for the boat.

Blinded by the sun.

Port Louis

One of those European type of streets.

Oh this? It's my house.

And this is my car. Hi car!

Let's not forget my favorite random nude couple hiding in the corner!

Sorry if this post seemed a bit dry! It should be smooth sailing from here on out! Get it?  Sailing?  Ha ha ha.

Finally, I land in Paris and rather than thinking “Holy crap!  I am finally here”, I immediately think to getting my bags and getting to the train so I can find space for my suitcases.  Some of the trains in France aren’t exactly equipped with baggage space suitable for international travelers.  I got lucky with the first train and was able to relax a bit.  The next train however, I was not so lucky.  The storage space was the size of a linen closet and the train was pretty full.  I was standing in between both cars along with a French woman who had a giant iMAC box and huge suitcase.  The whole train ride towards the west, we were playing musical suitcases.  It got even more complicated as more passengers got on the train.  At one point, we had 5 people crammed in this small pathway with all these suitcases.  Infact, one of the suitcases fell out from the storage space and hit this poor girl on the head.  I really wanted to tell her to go get it checked out by a doctor because the same thing happened to the Oxy-Clean guy while he was on a plane and we all know what happened to him!  However, I continued being a mute.  When we arrived at the next stop, we all arranged the suitcases again, I got off the train briefly with another passenger so others could debark.  This cranky old man started shoving all the suitcases and cussing about because he couldn’t get by. Everyone in the pathway was trying to explain the situation to him, but he wouldn’t hear it.  (Note: I’m standing alongside iMac girl behind the French man and we are all facing the train).  The next thing I hear is that the old man calls this one woman a “salope”, which means bitch/cunt/slut.  Everyone’s jaw just dropped! We were all speechless. No time to waste, back on the train I go!

After that little show, I arrive 20 minutes later to Lorient! Finally! I get picked up from the train station and driven to my new place.  The English teacher, Jean-François made it seem like I lived so far, when in reality the train station is right around the corner from where I live.  Anyways, my place is great! There are four French students that live here and two couples.  One couple lives on the top floor and the other lives on the bottom.  All of the students and myself have our own separate rooms.  On each floor we share a bathroom and a toilet. We all share a well-equipped kitchen! Everyone has their own set of dishes and cabinets.  The great thing is that if I ever want a kitchen utensil like a blender or something, all I have to do is call my landlady and she will get it for me. Yay!  Also, I learned that I can apply for government housing assistance.  My landlady, Mme. Guèymard, told me that the last assistant received 200 euros a month.  That’s awesome because that’s my rent not including utilities! Money in the bank!

I’m trying really hard not make this so long!  So, my housemates are adorable! They are absolutely the cutest! I’ll break it down like this:

Jule: I have met him once. Homeboy is never home because he is probably at his girlfriends or at least thats what we think.

Cécile:  Fine arts student.  Super kind, patient, and vibrant!  Loves Balkan music.

Sophie: English student.  Loves Reggae and men with dreads.  Absolutely adorable.

(I loved when I asked Cécile and Sophie what kind of music they like, they both responded with two unique answers that I definitely did not anticipate.  Usually when you ask someone what kind of music they like, they say, “I listen to everything except for country.” I was completely thrown off by these two!).

Adeline:  Don’t know too much about her, but I think she studies Insurance.

My first full day in Lorient was amazing!  I definitely didn’t expect it.  I was just easing into my day and about to take a nap then I heard a knock at my door.  It was Cécile.  She introduced herself and we talked a bit.  Then I told her I needed to go to the government housing assistant office sometime and she said we could go right then and there.  Sophie came along as well! We found that the office was closed, but the girls were so kind to show me around town and give me the lowdown on where to go if I need certain things.  Both girls asked if I had any questions and I told them the story about Carre-four.  The day when I had arrived, I went to Carre-four, which is a grocery store here and tried to buy bananas.  The weight machine for produce is intimidating with all its buttons and numbers!  I don’t know!  I just remember standing 5 feet away and thinking well maybe I can get away with not weighing it.  Wrong! The cashier said there’s no sticker and I mumbled something in French and shook my head like a crazy person.  Cécile and Sophie laughed about it and took me to Carre-four to show me how to buy bananas.  It was cute because they both clapped their hands together at the same time and said, “Alors! Les bananes!”.  Later on in the evening, I had the most MIND BLOWING dinner EVER!!!!  Cécile and Sophie made caramel crêpes from scratch.  Hoooooooooly cow!  As soon as I took a bite, I almost fell off my stool.  I’ve never tasted anything like it!  Sophie and I just giggled with pure joy.

WHEW!  Ok, so I think that is a good place to end! There has been lots more that has taken place since, but I will update about that later on this week.

I learned a few things in the first two to three days such as how to buy bananas, don’t wear socks when going down the stairs because you will fall and hurt yourself, and how to make crêpes!  I definitely realize how hard it is for little children to communicate with adults and how frustrating it can be! I find myself mentally exhausted at the end of the day.  Not only do I talk like a little kid, but I fall down like one too!  Luckily, Cécile was there to bandage me up afterwards.

1) Just because summer is over doesn’t mean the outdoor fun has to come to an end. No sir! We love playing outside as much as les enfants! We like our guys to be well rounded individuals. Men who appreciate the simple and finer things in life . In this case, rolling down hills into giant piles of fallen leaves! After we have splashed our way into the heap, our guy thoughtfully brings the leaves back into a pile so that we may once again roll on in.

2) Rolling around in leaves can sure work up an appetite! What would Fall be like without pie? Luckily for us, we never have to find out. Chocolate pecan? Pumpkin? Apple cinnamon? Ladies and Gents, we don’t call him prepared for nothing. He made sure to bring the whole team along with some of his homemade apple cider from his private apple orchard. (Yes, we love apple cider so much that it made it onto another list!)

3) The French really love their vacation time and so do we! What’s better than sailing along the French coast to Portugal? Sailing along the French coast in an enchanted boat filled with twinkle-light adorned trees surrounding a tepee! As if this trip wasn’t magical enough, he brought his dream piano! This baby is a rarity, just like our boyfriend. This piano composes the most beautiful dreams that light up the night sky.

4)  It’ll be getting chilly out, which means time to bundle up!  Luckily, he carries around an extra scarf that he made himself from his own herd of sheep! Talk about keeping it local and organic!

5)  No list would be complete without the low-down on facial hair.  Last time, the ladies and myself were quite fond of the clean shave and we even accepted a creepy molestache.  This time around, we are looking for a full on mustache WITH a twist.  We aren’t talking about the twisted ends that you create with some product.  That would be a crime against all mustaches sacred and dear!  We want the natural twist at the ends!  A little something we can get our fingers on. Our thoughts if you have a beard this season?  You are jumping the gun my friend! It’s like eating dessert before dinner.  In the words of Disaster Experiments very own Kyle Sennish: “Our love and friendship will only grow over the years, like the beard of a wise man, our love will be full and flowing.”

6)  Achoo! Looks like it’s sniffles time. Good thing notre garçon is immune to everything ranging from chapped lips to the swine flu. Even though he might be immune, we unfortunately are not.  Thankfully, homeboy carries an embroidered handkerchief so we may wipe our nose and chapstick.  Bless his heart!

7) We love flannel.  We do, but we want a little more this time. Lovely cardigans made by his truly with elbow patches please!

Let’s finish up this list with a few toppings:

-Professional whistler! Our petit ami can carry a tune when it comes to “L’Alouette” and “Frère Jacques”. He also has no problem hailing down a cab.

- Scooter with a sidecar.  The sidecar is definitely not for us.  It’s actually for this guy:

Yes, in France even the dogs smoke.

- Boo! Halloween is just around the corner, mais ne t’inquiète pas!  Ours truly is an expert when it comes to carving jack-o-lanterns.  We will be celebrating Halloween at a haunted house near the French Riviera.  As for costumes, he is going as Sherlock Holmes and the dog as Watson.  Who doesn’t love a good mystery?

- Homemade caramel crêpes at midnight!

- Portable puppet theater that he takes to children’s hospitals to cheer the little ones up.  Of course there is a little monkey that plays the cymbals!  What do we look like amateurs?

Well, creating this list over some delicious fro-yo was definitely not easy!  However, Sanita, Emily and I did it once again!  Here he is folks:

Mr. Mos Def himself!  You may be asking yourself how is he French or French-inspired?  Mos Def has 2 children from a previous marriage and 6 other children with three other women.  What could be more French than that? Not to mention, how he stole our hearts in “Be Kind Rewind” and “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”.

As for runner up, we gots ourselves a tie between:

Le petit Prince and Luke Lalonde!  How could we not choose these two?  With songs like “Foxes Mate for Life” and “Little Garçon” it was a pretty easy decision.  Plus, Luke’s name is French!  As for Le Petit Prince? No explanation necessary.

Here is a little treat for your ears from Magic Magic called “French Song”:

(This live version is a little intense, but if you get a hold of the song from off their album, it’s pretty good!).

1)  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping “Getting Better” by The Beatles, kids are doing double dutch, and then in comes a grey cloud, dumping lollipops amount of rain.  No worries though, because your drizzle prepared boyfriend made sure to pack an umbrella large enough to shelter the both of you from the rain.  This is no ordinary umbrella.  No, no.  This is an umbrella that comes fully equipped with a heater, so with each and every step you stay dry, cozy, and happy while watching other people get drenched. This umbrella has been tested by German Nobel prize winning scientists.

2)  All this walking under the heated umby can make a couple a bit parched.  Well, good thing that your seasonally prepared boyfriend always packs a thermos containing delicious apple cider made and picked by his truly.  Better start taking notes Johnny Appleseed!  Also, let’s not forget that he carries a basket full of delicious donuts.  What a guy.

3) Not only does your seasonally prepared boyfriend have an apple orchard, but he has his very own secret garden all thanks to his certified green thumb!  This secret garden is sure to blow Frances Hodgson Burnett’s novel out of the water.  We’re talking acres upon acres of delicious fruit, waterfalls, butterflies fluttering about, flowers being carried down from the sky by hummingbirds, mermaids laying about, and row boats!  Yes, row boats for when it is time to go a rowing under rainbows formed by the waterfall mist.

4) What do we love more than relaxing in boats?  Relaxing in boats while boy wonder plays the harmonica.  What’s even better?  He is a classically trained harmonica player that knows every tune by heart.

5) Now it’s time we talk facial hair.  I know last season, Emily & I had said that a beard would be great because then you could keep both of our faces warm.  Seasons change and keeping a beard requires great maintenance.  All the humidity is sure to frizz it up.  If you ain’t using frizz-ease then it’s time to clip that shit.  A creepy molestache will do or a little stubble, but we figure since nature is having a fresh start, you should too!

6) Uh excuse!  Fresh starts also mean fresh kicks! Don’t even think about wearing soggy sneakers around.  No thank you pruney, wrinkled toes! Also, you can forget about wearing flip flops.  I am going to go on a bit of a tangent here.  Why on earth people wear flip flops is beyond me.  I get it, your feet want to be out in the open air.  They want some of that breeze and Vitamin D from the sun.  However, did you know that in countries such as Pakistan where my lovely parents hail from, flip flops are worn when going to the bathroom?  Yea, what a fashion statement.  Thank goodness our seasonally prepared boyfriend wears rain boots or a pair of limited edition Air Force Ones.

To wrap up this list, here are another few requirements.

- Expert kite maker.  We want sailboat kites!

-Best Arnold Palmer maker.

-Professional bike repair so when we have a flat tire or a link in our chain breaks, no worries because you are always well prepared.

-A cooler full of homemade ice cream.  It always makes us happy to know that you carry a variety of 5 flavors at all times, but always managing to keep a few staples like vanilla and chocolate.

What a list my team of specialists (Sanita, Meheriet, Emily and myself) came up with this time around!  I know last time we made it seem at least somewhat attainable.  Well, we searched high and low, but we found him.  Drumroll please!

Fuck Buttons very own Andrew Hung!

WOAH is right!  When he isn’t making making eardrum tingling music alongside Benjamin Power, he freelances in being a unicorn whisperer.  We could say that we have a runner up, but who else could meet each and every one of our demands and be a “too good for the Olympics” ping pong champion?  Exactly!  P.S. He’s English.  Need we say more?

Thank you Mr. Hung for being so great and wonderful.  To everyone else:  don’t settle for anything less than the best!

Before:

After:

What is not shown here is Linus boozing it up.  Right after this picture was taken, he went over to Lucy’s stand and kicked it over.  He stole her can of money and then bought some crack.

What can we learn from this?  Simple.  Don’t force your kids to give up what they love until they are ready.

Linus:  We still love you.