Frozen Smiles

January is almost over and St. Louis finally got its dose of snow!  Double dose actually!  A great time to bundle up, drink hot cocoa, have some delicious tomato soup, and watch some good quality television.  Of course, you do all of this AFTER you have went out on your sled and caught some awesome hill action.  However, not everyone had a wonderful snow day.  If you are wondering whether or not a story is coming up, then doubt not because here it comes.

*AHEM*  Once upon a time, there was a girl named Emily who never asked for much out of life except for some delicious hot cocoa, some sunshine, and an Urban Outfitters catalog.  Well, one day in St. Louis, it had snowed so much that there was plenty for everyone to sled on the next day.  Our mutual friend named Ned (real name not disclosed) had promised Emily that he would pick her up from the isolated campus of SLU and whisk her away to go sledding.  Unfortunately, no phone call came nor did Ned pick up when Emily called him.  Dreams shattered and hearts broken, Emily came crying to me.  We began our discussion about how Ned would never be able to treat a girl right because he can’t even take care of his friends who are girls!  After that, we came up with a list of what it would take to be a SNOW STORM PREPARED BOYFRIEND!  Sure, you got a man or woman and you think they are ALL THAT, right? Well, did you feel the same way after the massive amount of snow that hit your town??  Exactly.

Emily & I bring to you our list of requirements.

1) A sled of gold.  It doesn’t have to be made of gold, but it should be gold.  None of the cheap looking stuff either.  A nice shine, y’know?  We want to blind people when we are bookin’ it down hills!

2)  A full-on beard.  You gotta keep that face warm as well as your lady.

3)  Onesie longjohn that has dinosaurs on it.  Why dinosaurs?  Because that is how we know you are ferocious.  Fearless.  Sure, the ice and snow might have caused extinction for the dinosaurs, but you wear that onesie as a reminder that no snow or ice will ever stop you from living! Note on onesie: there should be NO back flap.  A real man isn’t afraid of the cold and is willing to strip down a bit to do his thang.

4)  A snow storm prepared boyfriend would also have a fireplace.  We were willing to let it slide if he didn’t because not everyone can have one.  However, after consulting Seth who works in the male division of Snow Storm Prepared Significant Others, he said that you want the cream of the crop.  What does that mean?  That means if your boy don’t got a fireplace, ditch him.  How else will he roast some kosher marshmallows and make s’mores with Godiva chocolate?

5)  Let’s face it.  The harsh cold winter can really do some damage to your skin.  We are tired of carrying the lotion for the both of us.  It’s your turn.  We want one with the pump!

6)  You gotta be layered up.  Two of everything said Emily! What if we get a little bit chilly?  No sweat.  You take off a layer and give it to us.

7)  What better way to layer up than with flannel.  Most things should be flannel.  If you had flannel underwear, then you are definitely a keeper.

8)  Gourmet soup and chocolate chef.

These last two are a bit difficult and we don’t ask for you to actually do this, but …we do.

9) When we think of winter, we think of Peanuts.  When we are warming up by the fireplace, we don’t want to just sit there!  Warm our hearts and spirits with some tunes!  You should learn to play all the Charlie Brown Christmas songs on the piano blindfolded and with your feet.

10)  Building snowmen is for babies.  We want a furnished igloo with a snow family living on the inside.  🙂 Thanks!

Seth from the male division agreed with most of our demands except for the igloo bit.  He wanted to put in his two cents about what he would need from his snow storm girlfriend.

–  Cashmere sweaters and lots of them!  He wants to be able to wear them himself so make sure ladies that you two can swap!

– A massive DVD collection.

– Bourbon.  You gotta like it too!

– Lots and loads of drugs.

– A snow mobile would be preferable, but he will also take sled dogs.
Emily and I were wondering what man on this planet would be able to meet our lofty standards!  Drumroll pleaaaaaase….



He is perfect!  He could even morph INTO a dog and pull the sled!

BUT WAIT!  We also have a runner up…

Robin from FLEET FOXES!


Boy got his flannel and beard!  He takes breaks with kangaroos when he isn’t building igloos.

You may be thinking to yourself now, why would anyone do this for you ?  It’s like the L’Oreal slogan says “because you’re worth it”.

2 Responses to “Frozen Smiles”
  1. heather says:

    Irum– I think the buttflap could be replaced by the union suits that button all the way down the front.

  2. a says:

    i would add:

    have to give good back rubs to loosen up those cold-tense shoulders.

    should be occasional pipe smokers

    should be nice to snow wrestle but are losers forever if they smash snow into your face.

    the lou is forlorn. have fun but come back soon.

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